After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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