why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
