Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
