I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
