party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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