Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My penis needs a shock collar
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
