Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You made out with two different species that night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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