Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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