I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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