I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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