Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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