Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize