hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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