I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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