There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
