My liver just broke up with me...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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