i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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