Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
