He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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