where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
