Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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