yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
