Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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