Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize