Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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