I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
