the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
