i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
