my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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