Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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