My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
