All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
