Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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