when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
