You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
