cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
