You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
