you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
