I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
