There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize