she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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