We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
