The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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