If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize