you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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