it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
