i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
