We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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