Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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