What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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