you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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