loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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