someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
