if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
