On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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