i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
