For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
