Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
