the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
