He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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