i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
