if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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