im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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