Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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