literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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