if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
