Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize