i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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