he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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