i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
