Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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