No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
